Week in Review

Jacinda and Donald - a transcript

Earlier today Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern met US President Donald Trump for a 'pull-aside' meeting in New York. Media were banned so James Elliott imagined how the conversation might have gone.   

COMMENT: Jacinda: Thank you Mr President. It’s very kind of you to meet with me.

Donald: Yes, of course it is. I do the best meetings. Way better then Obama. Everyone knows that. In fact I do three types of meeting and they’re all fantastic. There’s the face-to-face, there’s the pull-aside like this one, and then there’s the grab.

Jacinda: Well, it’s great to have an opportunity to talk to you about trade and security.

Donald: Of course it is. No one knows more about trade and security than me. I’m winning a trade war with China right now. It’s never been done before. Billions and billions of dollars. And the Chinese love me for it. I’m great friends with President Xi. I gave him a great cake once at Mar-a-Lago. Some people called it the best cake in the history of cakes. A great number of people. But you won’t see that on fake news CNN. They’re anti-cake and it’s disgraceful. Do you have anti-cake media in New Zealand? 

Jacinda: No, I don’t think so. But, New Zealand would certainly like the opportunity to advance a free trade agreement with the United States.

Donald: Sorry we don’t do free trade deals. I don’t know how much we’re charging right now but they’re definitely not free. I leave the detail to Jared. He’ll tell you how much. Unmarked bills. Maybe you could put them inside a cake, that would be nice. Do you know Jared? Lucky guy, he’s married to my daughter Ivanka. She’s so hot she’s contributing to global warming all on her own. Or she would be if global warming wasn’t a hoax. I hear you have a daughter.         

Jacinda: Yes, she’s nearly 16 …

Donald:  Nice!

Jacinda: … months.

Donald: Oh, pity. Well, never mind, I’ll probably still be President when she turns 16. A lot of people are saying I should be given extra terms as President to make up for all the time I had to waste dealing with the Russian hoax. I’m joking, but also I’m not. Do you know Putin? Great guy. No one knows Putin like I know Putin. He sent me a DVD once. That was pretty hot too.

Jacinda: Well, um … it would be good if we could talk about security issues. As you know we’ve contributed military resources and training to coalition efforts in Afghanistan and Iraq. And we’d like to discuss …

Donald: Don’t get me started on Iraq. Why didn’t we take the oil? We should have taken the oil. Obama was so stupid. Everyone knows that. I would have taken the oil. I might still take the oil. If we take enough oil we’ll definitely be able to buy Greenland. I can’t believe Greenland’s not for sale. Everything’s for sale at the right price. And don’t get me started on Afghanistan.

Jacinda: No. Well I …

Donald: Another Obama disaster. We should never have gone into Afghanistan. There’s no oil there. And I can’t believe we’ve been there for years and years and we’re building hospitals and schools …

Jacinda: Why should …

Donald: Golf courses. We should have been building golf courses. Beautiful golf courses. There would be way less Islamic extremism if more people played golf. Everyone says that now but I was the first one to say it. And then they gave Obama the Nobel Peace Prize. It’s so unfair. That’s where the real collusion is but no one’s looking at that.

Jacinda: But I …

Donald: I was the first US President to cross the border into North Korea and they still won’t give me a peace prize. Kim Jong-un’s a great guy. He writes great letters and says really nice things about me. He never said anything nice about Obama. Can you imagine Hillary trying to be friends with Kim Jong-un. It would have been a disaster. And what about her server, they still haven’t investigated…

Jacinda: Can we just …

Donald: It’s the deep state trying to get me. Ask Sean Hannity. Great journalist. He knows all about it. There’s no collusion, there never was. And anyway, we should be talking about Iran not Iraq. Iran needs to know that we’re locked and loaded and ready to go. And we’re also ready to discuss building beach condos at Bandar Beheshti if they’re interested. I build the best condos. Everyone knows that … and … sorry, I have to take a call from the Saudis, I think they want to build some beach condos too.           

Jacinda: Um ... okay …well it was nice meeting you.

Donald: Of course it was. You would have hated meeting Obama. He gave the worst meetings. Everyone knows that.                   

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