Cricket

Inside the Blacks Caps’ batting collapse

Newsroom cricket correspondent Steve Deane provides a graphic, in-depth, blow-by-blow account of the massacre of Dubai.

Here’s how it went down.

It rained some in Dubai. Simon Doully Doull had a bit of a laugh at the poor people of Dubai’s expense, noting the grandstand roof wasn’t overly water-resistant, as Jeet Raval and Tom ‘Probably the best player of spin in the New Zealand team’ Latham cruised to 50-odd without loss.

Then shit got un-funny.

Quickly.

Raval played a reverse sweep that turned into a snake charming trick, with the ball rolling down the entire length of his leg before skipping off his heel and biting a large chunk out of the base of middle stump. 50-1.

Six overs later, Latham underscored his status as probably the best player of spin in the team by gently turning a nothing ball from Yasir Shah to short leg. 61-2

Ross Taylor missed his second ball from Shah, which did turn a little but wasn’t exactly Warne-to-Gatting, shrugged and walked off. 61-3

Henry Nichols missed his second ball by roughly the maximum distance it is possible to miss a cricket ball by with a bat, looked briefly like he was going to cry, then trudged off in time to help senior batsman Taylor remove his pads. 61-4.

An over later, lunch mercifully arrived, enabling Kiwi cricket fans to kick their cats, grab a snack and tune in to CNN to check the world hadn’t ended.

Sadly, it hadn’t.

A bunch of people trying to flee persecution in their homelands and establish a better life in a nation established by immigrants were being brutalised and rejected by those descendants of immigrants, which was all very weird and sad.

Pain is everywhere.

Newsroom’s diligent and unrelenting cricket correspondent needs to process this. He closes his eyes and briefly enters a meditative state.

Moments later, he re-emerges and flicks back to the cricket. The meditation has worked. Order has replaced chaos. The Black Caps have recovered to be seven without loss.

Hang on?

It isn’t a recovery at all. The Blacks Caps are in their second dig, the first having transformed into an unerringly accurate re-enactment of the Alamo, without the last stand bit.

It’s a massacre.

What happened?

BJ Watling has been run out, No. 7 batsman Colin de Grandhomme has continued to take impersonating an opening bowler far too far, and the New Zealand tail has done what the New Zealand tail always does in Asia – encountered more runs off the pitch than on it.

Captain Kane Williamson has been stranded on 27 not out after fighting off 37 balls during an innings of several minutes. There’s no need to feel sorry for Williamson, though, as he’ll get another chance to bat shortly.

It’s all too much for Newsroom’s diligent and tireless cricket correspondent. Time for bed.

There’s rain on the roof - a reminder that it rains in Dubai. About three times a year.

Doully isn’t laughing any more. He might not be for some time.

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